The New Normal – Two Careers, Three Jobs

A group of sociology researchers at UCLA video recorded 32 middle-class dual income LA families to study their lives, time management and stress levels (New York Times). I am a member of this “new” sociological phenomenon that has grown from 36 percent of families in 1975 to 46% of families in 2008.  UCLA generated 1540 hours of research and determined that parents like us are stressed, juggling and constantly negotiating. They found:

 “a fire shower of stress, multitasking and mutual nitpicking.”

They also found that both parents spend considerable time (and roughly equivalent amounts of time) with their children.

 

Unlike many of these families, I don’t work just for the economic necessity (although if one of us stopped working, we’d have to make serious adjustments like selling our house); I work because I’m ambitious and I enjoy it.  But the stress of coordination is real.  This week, my working girlfriends and I:

  • Tracked field trips/lunches/end-of-school parties
  • Coordinated after school activities/performances/competitions
  • Set up doctors appointments
  • Paid bills and negotiated with insurance companies
  • Arranged/shopped and packed for weekend outings
  • Determined the dinner menu for the family and cooked
  • Participated in community service governance

None of these things (except the doctor appointments) are absolute necessities and I’m not complaining.  But they are part of the real juggling act we perform daily.

 A good friend asked me how we should counsel our young daughters about their career choices and work:life balance. Can we fulfill our professional aspirations while maintaining a marriage, a home and being a good parent? Do we have to compromise on all three? Our husbands are good partners, but (just like in the research) somehow the coordination responsibilities are usually ours.

The study showed

“Parents generally were so flexible in dividing up chores and child-care responsibilities — “catch as catch can,”

one dad described it — that many boundaries were left unclear, adding to the stress.

The couples who reported the least stress tended to have rigid divisions of labor, whether equal or not.

“She does the inside work, and I do all the outside, and we don’t interfere with each other”, said one husband.

That’s what my friend and I determined over a glass of Chardonnay.  We had to communicate what each parent would do and how we needed to ask for help or say we were overwhelmed.  We needed to touch base with our girlfriends and share the load. And that’s what I’ll hope to cultivate in all three of my children so that they can realize their ambitions, the ambitions of their partners and manage the inevitable stress in their lives. What will you tell your daughters and sons?

This was originally posted at SVMoms.

Sending the first one to sleepaway camp

My eldest is 8 ½ and starts fourth grade in September. This summer, he is going to 3 ½ weeks of sleepaway camp for the first time. It’s the first time we’ll be apart for more than a week. And we won’t be able to talk on the phone more than twice, for five minutes each. My husband and I share his excitement for camp. Many of our favorite memories and closest friendships were formed at camp.

Because we chose a camp in Massachusetts and we live in California, we elected for my son and I to flyThe joy of camp together to New York, spend a couple of days and then I would drive him to camp so that he would arrive with the other “fly-in” campers. My son had visited the camp last year and was eagerly anticipating the experience. When I remarked that I could have asked a friend from school to go with him, he asked why I would do that – he wants to make new friends at camp in addition to his school friends. His social confidence is amazing.

Most parents bring their children to an airport or bus stop to send them to camp. Kisses, hugs and your child joins the other campers for the trip to camp. Since I was dropping him off at camp, our process was a little different. He would be arriving while the campers were at dinner and I would drop him at the office, check in and he would walk to the dining hall on his own. I imagine it’s a little bit intimidating to walk into a room of 60 children and just find your group. But a major point of camp is to develop independence and confidence.

“Mom, how will I know who my counselor is?”

“Well, walk in, announce “Hi, I’m [name] and I’m going into 4th grade” and I’m sure someone will point you to the right group.”

After 2.5 hours in the car, we arrived and he popped excitedly out of the car.  I even had to remind him to hug me! And then he turned and, with a spring in his step, headed down the hill to the dining hall. I wiped a tear or two from my eyes and swelled with pride at his confidence and enthusiasm for a new experience. While my husband and I have encouraged him to make the most of every experience, he’s had that reinforced positively at his school as well. I’m very appreciative that he’s at a school where the students are expected to value each individual in the community and to welcome newcomers – he expects the same from camp.

If the photos the camp posted of the “fly-in” campers arrival are any indicator – he found his group and started having fun right after dinner. Reinforcing his positive attitude and social confidence yet again.  Some of this is his wiring – he’s a positive, social guy – and some of this is his experiences at school and in his sports teams. Like the rabbi said 8 years ago – understanding and making the most of your child’s wiring is the only thing a parent can do to help their child succeed.  Employers value candidates who are confident, socially adept and positive – what experiences are you giving your child to develop those attributes regardless of their wiring?



Raising smart kids

Everyone seems to talk about how their children are succeeding or struggling at school and many preschool, middle school and high school parents talk about choosing a school to maximize their child’s potential. We’re all aware that it’s a competitive world out there and that entry to good colleges is only going to be tougher.  There’s a lot of pressure on the kids and the schools.

Firstly, I don’t actually believe that going to a good college is a guarantee of anything AND I don’t believe that going to a less competitive college is a disadvantage, necessarily.  There are scores of accomplished people whose college you wouldn’t recognize.  And there are scores of graduates from top colleges that, while bright, haven’t accomplished all that much. There are simply no guarantees in life.

University Of Birmingham Hold Degree Congregations

Second, I don’t think accomplishment is the ultimate goal.  As a parent, I want my children to be self-sufficient, productive and happy.  I want them to learn to solve problems, make good choices and to accept personal responsibility for every choice they make – including how they react to situations that don’t go their way.  That’s my definition of a smart kid.

Thirdly, I think parents have to take as much responsibility for maximizing their child’s potential as they expect of schools.  I have a short list of what those actions include (thanks to NurtureShock for much of the research):

  1. Strict bedtimes.  Every night – seven days a week. It doesn’t matter when you get home, their needs come first. The research is very clear – children of all ages, and especially teenagers, need a ton of sleep in order to learn, manage their impulses, and be pleasant company. And the bedtime needs to be the same all seven nights. Read more about sleep.
  2. Limit screen time. Really – limit it.  Go outside. Read a book.  Play a game.  Do something that isn’t looking at a screen.  Mobile phone screens count. Research is strong here too. TV and computers are not effective babysitters – they don’t engage your child.  Everyone needs to unplug.
  3. Run your puppies.  Not only does it help your children learn a healthy lifestyle, research shows that daily physical activity increases the brain’s attention span and alertness.
  4. Eat dinner together as much as possible.  I’m realistic that many families simply cannot do this every night. But research shows that doing it most nights leads to children who do better in school, stay off drugs and are safer.  Plus, it’s an opportunity to talk.
  5. Limit junk food and soda.  The sugar spike gets kids wound up and then they crash – and no one can learn while fighting off a physical need to sleep.  Plus, it’s good to learn delayed gratification and healthy eating.

As a Trustee at a community day school, I invite and hear the expectations of parents regarding the school’s responsibilities to cultivate their child’s intellect. They are wonderful ideas and reflect the love and hope of these parents for their children. But if we graded ourselves, as parents, on just these five “subjects”, how many of us would get straight-As?