My tips for managing 7-year-old boy outbursts

My son is bright, athletic and unfortunately, quick tempered with the tendency to react physically. He runs away. He’ll hit someone. Sometimes he’ll curse (which is actually an improvement, but still not appropriate). We’re working with his school to help him develop the emotional maturity to express anger and frustration rather than act on it. We know that by the time he’s nine, it’ll be better. But he’s seven and it wasn’t a big surprise when the sleepaway camp sent an email that he was having some “behavior issues”.  Most impressive was that they asked for strategies to help him succeed. 

My son isn’t particularly unique – his emotional development is normal. Average. Unimpressive, but not clinically delayed or anything.  And the motherhood manual doesn’t include strategies to help a little boy react older than he is. So – here’s my addendum to the motherhood manual – my top ten tricks for managing a 7-year-old boy.

1. Create a meaningful reward chart
   Tried and true, goal oriented boys like to have a target to reach. Create a reward chart for the bunk, group, siblings or class so that they can support each other.  Make tasks that they need to do together in order to succeed. Make the reward something they really like – a pizza party, ice cream social, extra baseball game.
   
   
2. Put him on a team
   Make the group a team. Find a way to get them to “score”.  When they aren’t in the game, can they score by cheering for their friends? Who is the loudest cheering “team”? When they are waiting at the flagpole or before a meal, is there a game about finding the coolest cloud in the sky or the biggest leaf on a tree?  They like to compete.  Have them work together.
   
   
3. Create and stick to a routine
   Routines make children feel secure. They need to know what is going to happen and when – how long will they have to wait?  When is the next game?  Tell them the routine, try to make it consistent from day to day and if the routine involves time, give them a way to tell time (position of the sun or shadows is fun).
   
   
4. Give him a job
   Responsibility breeds self-respect. Each member of the bunk can have a job. They should know what their job is (line leader, bathroom inspector, laundry distributor, ball collector, game organizer, etc). Their job might aid in achieving the reward chart.
   
   
5. Set expectations before the start of a game
   Few boys will ever want to sit out of part of a game, even if they should. Explain up front that during the game, you may get called out and when you are called out, you need to go to the sidelines quickly and cheer.  And then, when the game is over, we’ll start a new game and everyone can play. Except in a tournament when you are out for good. Then you cheer!
   
   
6. Give him words to express his feelings
   Boys often do not have an extensive emotional vocabulary and its important not to talk him out of his feelings.  If he’s mad, let him be mad.  Talk about how it feels to be mad and what made him mad. Then ask him what he can do about feeling mad.  Until he decides he doesn’t feel mad anymore.
   
   
7. Don’t let him idle/stand in line
   Idle hands go wild. So – if there is waiting in line, give them something to do.  Sing a waiting song…do pushups…strike a pose…climb a fence.  Anything that keeps the hands active and not on each other.
   
   
8. Give him someone/something to take care of
   My son does especially well when he feels responsible for someone else’s well being.  It could be the dog but it’s better if it’s another child. He’s an attentive friend and big brother if he’s needed. Pair boys up and give them the responsibility to help each other make good choices.
   
   
9. Supervise especially in down time
   Even though it might get mind-numbingly boring or infuriatingly irritating, you have to watch them and interfere if they cannot resolve a conflict. It’s a delicate balance between helicoptering and Lord of the Flies. But if a situation is escalating, try not to resolve it – just introduce new words to redirect it.
10. Give him a hug
    He’s a little boy trying to act big. He needs a hug.  A lot of hugs. He doesn’t know to ask for them – but he needs someone to wrap their arms around him and hold him tight for a few minutes so that he feels safe and loved.

What would you add to the manual?  Any techniques work for you and your active boy?

Hands off my iPad

It's hopeless. Although I carefully meter out the time my children can spend using my iPad, iPhone or HTC Incredible, my three kids are drawn to the devices like a moth to a flame. Even the four year old knows how to intuitively use the device and a variety of applications on it. And what parent doesn't value a simple way to keep children occupied at a doctors waiting room, restaurant or long trip.

The attractiveness of smart devices for both children and parents is leading many companies to create apps for the IOS (Apple iPhone/iPad operating system) and for Android (Google's mobile operating system). Researchers are studying how parents and children are using the devices. And schools are looking to smart devices as a way to ensure students graduate with tech savvy and to reduce their textbook spending.

In November, PBS published a study by the Joan Ganz Cooney Center at Sesame Workshop, capturing both the volume of smart device use AND the benefits. For example, the study showed that 2/3 of children between the ages 4-7 have used an iPhone or iPod touch. In fact, it turns out that my method of keeping the peace in the car is shared by many parents - children most often use the devices in the car.

The same study also demonstrated that children made gains in vocabulary comprehension, letter identification and rhyming after using PBS KIDS applications - MARTHA SPEAKS and SUPER WHY!.

Stuart Dredge of the Guardian identifies key trends for children's apps:
voice (Grandma, Mom reading the story),  pop-up interactivity (think interactive books),  licensed characters (Dora, Barbie, Pokemon) independent characters (Angry Birds), cameras and augmented reality (must get the Monster Scan app he mentioned), digital sandboxes (whiteboard) and education (flashcards, memory joggers, special needs).

The one thing that seems obvious is that the kids use Apps that are fun. My children love Simon Says, Labyrinth, Batter Up, Mastermind, Plants vs. Zombies, Amazon, Scribble and Solitaire (oldie by goodie). They know that they cannot use the iPad without permission and that permission is only granted in the car (after 1 hour of continuous travel), doctors office or weekend morning (provided they have practiced music and are dressed for the day). I'm not convinced any of these games are building academic skills - but they are learning problem solving, persistence and strategy - while having fun. In thirty minute maximum play periods, it seems like there is hope after all.

Article first published as Hands off my iPad: Children and Apps on Technorati. 

Escape Artist

Every parent of a toddler knows that toddlers take off running in an instant - but they usually stop by age 2.5. It's a lot more uncommon when your second grader repeatedly attempts to run off the school campus.  For a week, that's what my son started doing and because of the safety concerns and disruption caused, the school and our family needed to take swift action.

At first, we thought it was a plea for attention and normal (for him) limit pushing. As the Head of School and I brainstormed, she urged me to think about what might be driving the behavior because children behave for a reason - and as parents, we have to understand the reason in order to modify the behavior.

Attention?  Upon reflection, he got a lot of Daddy attention that week - although I was out of town.  

Running away - the action led me to wonder what he was trying to escape. He likes school and he's good at it. But he was definitely trying to escape.  By partnering with the school to provide us with information about what preceded the escape attempt, we realized that his escape attemps were actually a really good thing.

For the first 7 years of his life, when my son did something wrong, he immediately would try to deflect responsibility onto someone else. And now, he was running when he did something accidental or intentional and did not want to face the consequences.  This is an improvement - he's more conscious that something happened, he's responsible and there are consequences.

In a private conversation while driving, he and I talked about avoiding consequences. We talked about how we all make mistakes and sometimes do the wrong thing. We talked about how owning your mistakes helps us learn.  We talked about how avoiding the consequences only makes the consequences worse. And so I told my seven year old that when he does something wrong, he must stand and take his punishment "like a man". Perhaps I will tell my daughter to take it "like a woman" - but he got it.  He felt he could demonstrate bravery and leadership by facing the consequences of his choices.

Escape attempts since that talk - zero. He is telling himself to "take it like a man" and facing consequences.  And he's learning that he can handle the consequences.  

Kvelling of the Yiddisha Mama

It’s amazing that a book about the extreme discipline and focus of a high-achieving Chinese-American working mother has sparked a national discussion on parenting priorities. Certainly Professor Chua’s style is highly focused on measurable achievement – top scores, top grades, perfect performances. And David Brooks argues that she’s coddling her girls by keeping them from learning to navigate the social and emotional world.

Every parent I know (an admittedly self-selected set with fairly synchronous socio-economic characteristics) has high expectations of their children and values education. And we have a surprisingly varied array of approaches to conveying that value to our children.  We also value emotional intelligence and struggle to balance letting our kids learn by experience versus coaching them through social situations.  Here are some of our core values and how we are trying to teach them.

• Responsibility - we use homework as an opportunity to develop this value. We expect them to do their homework and do it neatly. If they don’t do it properly, it’s between them and their teacher because that’s how we teach them to be responsible for their own work. But we do check in that they are doing it.
   
• Achievement - we expect them to apply themselves and work hard in school and in their activities. We let them know that we are communicating with their teachers and getting assessments on their effort. We want them to know that we will hold them accountable for making their best effort.
   
• Continuing education – last week, my son asked about his college fund and tuition.  I showed him his account and we looked up tuition at Cal Berkeley and Stanford. He appreciated how much money it would take for him to get an education – and that education is an investment.
   
• Community – we discuss that our children are representing us, our school and our people in the world and that we expect them to treat people with respect and try to make the world a better place. And if they don’t, we express disappointment on par with if they don’t do their best on a test. That said, we believe that they should work out their own disagreements and ask parents for suggestions and advice, but not to fix it. They know we are in their corner, but they have to make their way in the world.
   
• Mastery – every parent I know struggles to get their aspiring Mozart to practice their instrument and we are no different. Each piece of music is an opportunity to achieve mastery. Often, we find that having a performance focuses their practice and the fear of performing badly motivates more effort – resulting in the pride of mastery. 

At the end of the day, my husband and I think you cannot change a child’s inherent wiring but with lots of sleep (11 hours plus per night), good food (no soft drinks, juices or excess sweets), little screen time during the week and consistency in our expectations for school, behavior and music, we have a shot at creating self-directed, well adjusted but ambitious adults who are inspired to make a real contribution to the world.

What are your key values and how do you engage with your children to help them develop them?

Going green with actual data from Smart Meters

I try to conserve energy - making my husband a little nuts because he does not like the light from compact fluorescent bulbs (really, who does). According to the community of women using Skinny Scoop , we're all running around the house turning off lights and lowering the heat. Upgrading our appliances too (that's fun and energy efficient).

But I didn't have information to know if any of my efforts matters. Now that I have a PG&E Smart Meter, I have the information to at least see how we are using energy.

And for the kids, it can be a new sort of computer game - because the PG&E site lets us see our energy usage by month, day and hour. It's pretty interesting to see. By attending a mommy-blogger luncheon hosted by Silver Spring Networks (one of the Smart Meter network providers), I learned that the most expensive hours to consume energy are from 2-7pm - because we all come home from school and work and make dinner. Definitely not the ideal time to do laundry or dishes. My family is no different - check out our hourly consumption.

Hourly Energy Consumption from my Smart Meter

The network that Silver Spring enables gives PG&E information about energy consumption patterns so that PG&E can do better capacity planning and distribution. That should lead to fewer brown-outs, I would hope.

But there's an interesting side effect. It turns out that when people can see how they are consuming energy, they start to tinker to try to reduce the amount of energy they use. I'm very curious about what's drawing so much energy at 4am...will be trying to figure that out.  I also unplugged everything I could prior to a family trip so that I could determine how much energy my home draws without people.  Look for that post in early 2011.

In 2011, I plan to make this a game for my kids...see if they can get the meter lower. Apparently, PG&E and Silver Spring have the technology in the meters and networks to isolate by circuit what is drawing energy. Granted, you'd need to have an appliance that was Smart Meter enabled, but someone will create retrofit solutions for people on the hunt to save money and save energy. I'm going to try the kid-powered method first.

To access your Smart Meter reports, you have to create a login with PG&E using your account number and exact name as it appears on your bills. It's a bit cumbersome, but once set up - it's very easy to see how you are doing. And to compare yourself to the neighbors - a little healthy competition for the energy saving.  

Surprising acts of kindness and caring

My second son has electricity instead of blood coursing through his veins. He’s high energy, very athletic, bright and manipulative. When his sister was a baby, I told him I was going to call him “little bunny foo-foo” if he didn’t stop bopping her on the head. Of my three children, he’s not the one I would predict to be able to quiet and redirect an upset friend.

He has a close friend who sometimes gets very wound up and doesn’t know how to unwind. He can be triggered by something as simple as someone taking his picture when he doesn’t want it taken.  His parents and school are working with him to help manage these triggers.  Last year, at a family camp for Memorial Day, I noticed that when his friend was having a hard time, my son took his hand and walked with him. I love that they are still young enough for two boys to hold hands and walk. Whatever my son was doing and saying was calming his friend. We watched from afar – with a mix of shock and pride.

Last weekend, my friend (his friend’s Mom) shared with me that when they spent an afternoon together leading up to and including her son't birthday party, her son had a few difficult moments (they are happening less frequently) and my son really helped his friend. And they had a great time together before, after and during the birthday party. She was really appreciative and proud of my boy.

When we left, I told him I was really proud of him and asked him why he helped his friend.  It would be understandable to walk away when someone gets wound up like that – a lot of people do. He said – at school, we talk about how important it is to help your friends. He needed my help. And he’s my friend.

I hope it stays that simple.

How zero tolerance punished the wrong child

My son started kindergarten with exuberance and within a week was sullen. Soon after, we started receiving notes from the school that he was harassing three girls. As a consequence, he was not allowed to run on the field; he had to stay on the playground so that he and the girls could be separated. He was devastated.  We were confused and concerned. We believe in logical consequences and if he was bringing these girls to tears, he had to be restricted. But it was totally out of character. In 5 years of day care and pre-school, he never bothered, harassed or did more than horse around with another child.

Nothing I’ve experienced in my life compares to the hurt I felt when my son was hurting. We couldn’t figure out what to do. We talked with him – but he couldn’t explain what was happening. We didn’t know if one of us should stop working to help him to figure this out. We asked the teachers to tell us what they saw. I even tried to surreptitiously observe recess. We asked friends and parents for ideas. Maybe he was too young for school.

Then my husband tripped on a toy train and put his arm through a plate glass window severing his ulnar nerve.

His reluctance to tell many people how he got hurt led him to sequester himself with the children at a community event and he saw an older girl, a third grader, approach our son.

“Chase me?” she asked.

“No” he responded.

“C’mon, chase me!” she said

“No” he responded.

“Please, chase me!” she goaded.

“OK”.

And he did. Caught and tagged her. Then she burst into tears and headed for her parents. She didn’t count on being observed and intercepted by his Dad. My husband told her he saw and heard everything. After a feeble attempt at denial, she acknowledged that she was asking my son to chase her.

It was a game – three third grade girls discovered they could control the teachers by provoking my son to chase them, crying about it and getting him punished.  He was just 5 and had no way to put together that the invitation to play tag was the bait to get him in trouble.

Suffice to say, the game ended that night. My husband spoke immediately to two of the girls’ parents (with the girls whimpering alongside) and I informed the Head of School about what was transpiring.

To the Head’s credit, he immediately apologized; spoke to the on duty teachers and the girls and the behavior stopped. And that same day, my exuberant, giving child re-emerged.

Zero tolerance was punishing the WRONG child. It’s so much harder to observe and prevent verbal/emotional bullying.  Kids are smart and they hide it. 

I wonder how else we could have figured out the problem.  Any ideas?